How To Make It In Nigeria & Be Accepted By Nigerians By Femi Aribasala

Don't speak English like an Ibadan man. Speak with
the kind of phonetics that even your mother will
wonder where you were born.
There are an estimated 170 million Nigerians. The
overwhelming proportion of these will live and die
unknown and unsung. Airports will not be named
after them. Neither will universities be established in
their honour. A hundred years from now, people will
not even remember they ever existed, except that
they might have some children and grandchildren
hanging around.
Surely, you don't want that to happen to you. You
want to be known. You want to be rich. You want to
be a man or woman of timber and caliber. There are
peculiarly Nigerian ways to achieve this. The
formulas have been firmly established by our good-
for-nothing politicians and businessmen. But don't
worry; they don't own the copyright to them, so you
are free to follow their vainglorious footsteps.
Don't waste your time going to school. Don't waste
time trying to develop a cure for cancer. Nigerians
are not known for such endeavours, and we don't
appreciate those who waste their lives ensuring we
have a better future. We are only interested in those
who are committed to today.
If you want to be a big man or woman; if you want to
be well-known and highly-regarded in Nigeria, there
are a few easy steps you need to take. Here are some
suggestions that are bound to ensure that you will
soon become the talk of the town.
Steal public funds
Nigerians love thieves. We have a lot of respect for
them. Thieves are the men and women of the people.
Thieves are deemed to be people of courage and
strategic thinking. In a nation of the poor, people are
concerned that their kith and kin should be
represented in the tabernacles of the looters.
Otherwise, we feel short-changed. Therefore, the man
who wants to be highly-esteemed knows his thievery
will elicit wide support and appreciation among his
people.
If you ever get access to public funds, don't make the
mistake of stealing millions of naira. Steal billions.
Remember, you might not get a second chance. It is
turn-by-turn Nigeria Limited. Commit a tithe of your
stolen loot to public largesse and you are in for the
good. Use a fraction of it to build a monument for
yourself in your village and bring the press to the
unveiling. Steal billions then spend a few thousands
sending three children in your community to school.
In no time at all, you will become a superstar. Friends
will donate their daughters for you to marry. Streets
will be named after you long before you die. You will
be invited to seat on the high table at public
functions.
Display your wealth. Nigerians have a simple
demand: "Show us the money." Therefore, show off
the money. Don't buy a Mercedes Benz. Every Tom,
Dick and Harry now drives that. Drive cars that are
outrageously expensive and unusual. Make sure they
are bullet-proof; not because anybody will shoot at
you, but because bullet-proof cars are more highly-
regarded. Buy a Ferrari, a Lamborghini or an Aston
Martin. Let it be in a flashy colour. Then cruise every
now and then in the Lagos traffic jam.
Get a good PR firm. Give them a simple agenda: to
make you famous. Make sure you are at any and
every happening event in Nigeria. Hang out with
celebrities. With brown-envelopes given to
strategically-placed journalists, you can ensure you
are always in the news. Make sure you are a regular
feature in the Ovation and style pictorial magazines.
If you are caught by EFCC and brought to trial, buy
"aso-ebi" for your supporters' club. Bring them to
court with you so they can sing your praise-songs.
Write a cheque and give it to the judge. The case will
be promptly thrown out on the grounds of a
technicality.
Run for president of the country
If you want to be highly esteemed in Nigeria, you
need to run for high office. Don't waste time focusing
on being a local government chairman. Run for
president. The fact that you don't stand a chance
does not matter. You will get all the plaudits you
need by the mere fact of running for the office.
Declare your candidacy long before the election, so
you will have a long time to be interviewed on the
radio and television and to have specials done about
you in the newspapers. Enjoy the limelight. Tell
people that God appeared to you in a dream and
declared that you are the next president of the
Federal Republic of Nigeria. Don't worry when this
prophecy fails. People are more interested in the
declaration of a prophecy than in its failure.
If it fails, you can keep running for election as
president every four years. That way, people will
realise that your prophecy is still on the way. When
the election results are announced, go on television
and declare that it was the worst election in the
history of Nigeria. Tell the people the election was
heavily rigged. Indeed, you have never seen such a
massively fraudulent election in your entire life. Tell
Nigerians you are the people's choice but not INEC's
choice.
Rent a small crowd and get them to riot. Let them
burn a few tyres. Appoint an unemployed graduate to
be their spokesman. When the television cameras
arrive, he should tell the world you are the best
president Nigeria has yet to have. It does not matter
if, at the end of the day, you only obtained 17 votes
in the entire country. It does not matter if the only
people who voted for you are the members of your
immediate family. The fact is you ran for president of
Nigeria. That will become a permanent part of your
C.V. From then on, you will always be referred to as
"ex-presidential candidate."
As "ex-presidential candidate" you become eligible
to be the Minister of Agriculture. You also become an
expert on everything. You will be invited regularly to
"oraculate" on television about vital national issues.
Any time you want to say something, preface it by
saying: "In my experience as a former presidential
candidate of this great country…" Then you can
sponsor some eggheads to write books in your name
in which you talk about "My Vision for Nigeria."
Become a motivational preacher
Don't take too long being a pastor. Within a year or
two, promote yourself to Bishop or Archbishop. Don't
allow anybody to disrespect you by calling you
"Mister." Tell them: "Call me Reverend." When you
are introduced, you will be referred to as "Your
Grace."
Every day, cram two or three big-sounding words
from the dictionary. Find ways to use them as you
preach. For example, words beginning with "octo"
are highfalutin. You can say: "the whole thing is
octogenarian." Or you can say: "Everything is
octodilapidatory." Don't worry if they cannot find
your words in the dictionary. It only means you have
become more learned than the dictionary. People will
listen to your messages and will not understand
anything you have said. Therefore, they will become
convinced you are making a lot of sense. The
discussion will be all about your English. Very soon, a
university in your village will give you an honorary
doctorate in the French language.
Your accent is also important. Don't speak English
like an Ibadan man. Speak with the kind of phonetics
that even your mother will wonder where you were
born. Remember this: the American accent is more
nasal and more difficult to understand than the
English accent. Therefore, it is more impressive. You
don't have to go to the United States in order to talk
like an American. Just study a few Hollywood films
and start talking like Frank Sinatra.
Keep your eye on the ball. Remember: the agenda is
to be highly esteemed. So don't bother preaching the
gospel of the kingdom of God. If you do, you will be
hated. Preach, instead the prosperity gospel. Tell
your church-members that the poor will become rich,
the unmarried will get married, the barren will have
children, and the jobless will get jobs. Write books
with titles like: "Your Best Life Now." Give people
seven strategies and five keys to instant wealth. Tell
them to get ready, there is going to be a divine
transfer of wealth every year from now on. Tell them
to give Jesus a wiper.
Get a local rap artist to come up with suitable sound-
bites. "Inch by inch it's a cinch." "Turn your scars
into stars." That is it: you become the flavour of the
month. Very soon, you will be flying your own
motivational jet.
Be a success
It does not matter what you succeed at. Just make
sure you are successful and Nigerians will esteem
you. You can be an armed robber; as long as you are
successful, you will be esteemed. You can be a drug-
pusher. Just make sure you are successful at it.
Nobody cares how you make your money. All they
want to know is that you have the money.
"Money answers all things." So go to that wedding
and spray the bride in dollars and euros. Go to your
village and build a villa there. Also sink a bore-hole,
so people can come to your house to fetch water.
Everybody will love you and sing your praises.
Nothing succeeds in Nigeria like success. Failure is
not an option. If you fail, your parents will disown
you. Your mother-in-law will abuse you. Your wife will
divorce you. Your fiancée will give you back your
engagement ring. Your children will change their
surname. Your friends will delete your cell-phone
number. The LASTMA official will harass you on the
road. Your birthday will not be celebrated in the
newspapers. Your pastor will not remember your
name. So you better not fail otherwise you will be
dead, buried and forgotten.
Footnote
If you try any of these methods and Nigerians still
don't like you, then you are a lost cause. There is only
one option left for you. Pack your load, buy a ticket
and go to Ghana. You will not be missed.

Sent From David Aniemeka